Monthly Archives: August 2012
Sex at 50+
Let’s release the elephant in the room straightaway, yes, you still get as horny as hell when you reach 50. I’m 57 and although I cannot have sex six times a day like I was 16, all the equipment and plumbing is still working just fine. The urge or desire to have sex with (feel free to insert whatever you feel comfortable inserting here) for me, a woman, is actually stronger than ever, because I have more confidence in who I am than at any other time in my life. Years of experience is nothing to sneeze at. There is also the “seasoning” factor which as you get into your 50’s and 60’s you feel as though you’ve earned your stripes as a “senior” and more than ever, you, begin to live life on your own terms rather than though a boss, spouse, your kids, relatives or the rest of the world.
There is no better feeling than being 50+ and although perhaps not physically, having the ability to intellectually run rings around most younger people. That is sexy. There is no doubt that both women and men are better in their 50’s than ever before in their lives. It is long past the time that was your parents and grandparents. Many restrictions that used to be placed on people no longer exist and you have an infinite number of sex options whether you’re married or single. The internet along with laptops, tablets and smart phones have made sex more accessible than at any other time in history. We are a long way from being limited to meeting someone at a church social and “doing it” in the backseat of a Chevy, although from a sex fantasy standpoint, it might be fun.
One important thing is to just go for it. Smile, do it and be happy. As a writer and researcher, I can assure you GOD loves for you to have sex and plenty of it. I would recommend that since most people are such terrible liars that unless you are in an open marriage have sex when you are separated or even better when you’re divorced. I’ve met few people where “affairs” inside a marriage were kept secret. Honesty is a great aphrodisiac, don’t spoil it. I would also never advocate having sex to hurt someone else – remember sex is to feel good – making love, if you prefer, is GOD’s gift to us. If you’re single, then by all means go for it. Have fun with all types of companion “fishing” – online dating, placing ads, singles cruises, even match making services. You tend to meet great “matches” in the most unlikely places – grocery shopping, even walking through a museum, for example.
I talk to a lot of 50+ champions – I steer away from terms like Boomers or Generation whatever – and they tell me (is anybody behind you?) that just watching an episode of “Suits” or a movie with Brad Pitt or Evangeline Lilly puts them in a state of incredible sexual desire. It has nothing to do with any little blue pill. You don’t need porn. 50+ champions are just apt to need a motel room after going to the mall and having ice cream or walking through Victoria Secret. The triggers are no different than when they were younger. Desire, unless squelched for other specific reasons – medical or psychologically related – does not dissipate as you get older. You can get a hip replacement and recover from a heart bypass operation and still be good to go for wild sex. Check with your doctor first, of course. Is he (she) available?
If things are maybe a little slow in the love making department for you, I suggest talking about it. Be very honest with your partner. Also “chat” online, with friends, when you scrapbook or go motorcycle riding. I want you to know that is perfectly fine to pray about sex. You’re never going to get what you want if you don’t ask for it. God created sex for us, so HE (SHE) won’t be embarrassed. One woman told me she needed a rum and Coke before should could pray for sex. You go girl. Romances are awesome and highly encouraged. I know one couple that gets so turned on “browsing” at a fresh fruit and veggie market they barely make in the door of their Florida home before they’re all over – into – each other. They’re in their 70’s!
So, bottom line, sex is alive and well AND great when you a 50+ champion. The statement that you’re as old as you THINK is so true. Free yourself from any negative thinking when it comes to sex. If you want it, go for it, as often and as much as your “heart” desires. Don’t let anyone stand in your way. Feel great about your body. Challenge yourself. Being 50+ means you’ve earned your status in this world as a confident, responsible, caring and loving person. It is your time. You deserve all the best –SEX.
I would appreciate your thoughts. Tweet me at @mjgr
Things Are Never As They Seem…
I was standing at the dessert table at the buffet dinner I attended at Disney World in Orlando. Lots of social media “gurus” posturing themselves around the room. Making appearances at this restaurant in the Contemporary Hotel were Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse and Goofy – that is, as Disney puts it, cast members dressed as those iconic characters.
There was a woman standing in front of me with a little girl in her arms. The child was facing me – her mother looking in the opposite direction into the dining room. Mom said, “Oh look dear, there’s Mickey Mouse!” The little girl looked at me, actually it was an intense little kid stare and you just tell from her expression what she was thinking as her mother proclaimed that this is what Mickey Mouse really looks like.
There was combination of disappointment and disbelieve as the little girl’s eyes burned right into me. I imagine her discovery that this is what the real Mickey Mouse looked like wasn’t that bad, because she didn’t burst out screaming or crying and did not throw the Oreo cookie she had in her hand at me. Or maybe she had to think about the “situation” a while longer. I did not wait. Yes, I did make “nice” with the child and smiled and pointed her toward the real Mickey. She was thrilled.
But, for both children and adults, things are never as they seem.
The 17 Minutes
I have this theory, actually it’s more than a theory, since I’ve proved it to myself and experienced it in countless other situations, especially with business people that I refer to as customer service OR management champions. This is it – you are getting paid for the 17 minutes a day you make a major (significant) contribution to a companies operation. In other words, the 17 minutes a day you, and pardon my language here, save the company’s ass. What you do the rest of the time is quite secondary. It’s those 17 minutes that make or break you in the eyes of your boss.
I know managers who have been terminated within a short time after starting a new job or receiving a promotion to a more senior position because they FAILED to successfully perform during their 17 minutes in the spotlight. Management champions NEVER FAIL to perform brilliantly at these occasions. They work for them, they thrive on them and expect those who report to them to know how to similarly cope.
You never know when these critical 17 minutes are going to occur and in most businesses they can. will and do happen at anytime. There is no business operation immune from crisis. For those that think they can delegate away the responsibility for the 17 minutes, don’t. I guarantee that person will soon have your job. Save those glorious minutes for yourself.
You say give me some examples of this “more than a theory” of yours. Will do. You get into the office and sit, that is, if you get the chance to sit. The telephone rings and you find out that two of your truck drivers (late last night) have taken the wrong trailers from your DC (distribution center ie: warehouse) and are headed in the wrong direction. Everybody is furious. The president of your company just got back two major accounts and promised them material that is on these trucks.
You look at your watch. Two minutes have passed so far – you have only 15 minutes to save the day and be a hero. No problem for any customer service or management champion. What? The inventory manager says a part was in stock, but the 2nd shift operations crew couldn’t find it – there is a concrete pour and the customer is desperate for the material? What? Your raw materials vendor has just informed you that they’re running late on production of that material that is needed to meet customer demand?
Tick, tick, tick – six minutes have gone by. You say you have all day to tackle these problems and solve them one by one? Well, maybe where you work it’s fine to do that, but not where I’ve supervised and certainly not where my fellow champions work. People want answers and it is your job to give it to them and quickly. This is not the time for drones, dinosaurs or bureaucrats.
Wait a minute, the operator has transferred some guy named Murray to you – he’s from a broker and needs some “advise” on something. Get rid of Murray – 4 seconds wasted! Get on your tablet and notify everyone (most of whom are their losing their minds) concerned that that the problems have been addressed and solutions implemented. Wait, you still have three minutes to spare. What shall you do? So much brilliance, so little time. Call your boss and tell him that you’ll call the two big accounts he just got back, explain to them the situation and inform them their material is on the way.
Congratulations, champion, you saved the day! Don’t sweat the details. You are a hero. One small example of how this works. No matter how large the company is it all boils down to these 17 minutes. Lawyer, doctor, engineer, social media or customer service manager, it doesn’t matter what your discipline or function is. If it takes more than these 17 minutes, something is wrong. You need 2-5 hours a day? You’re kidding? No way. Time to take a hard look at what you’re doing wrong. It should take you no more than 17 minutes to figure it out and come up with an action plan. By the way, I wrote this in 17 minutes.
Resume – Best Summary of Qualifications
You, of course, should edit this to your particular job search objectives, but this “dialogue” has been used for many years by outplacement and recruiting specialists with outstanding success. It also serves as the basis for how you should respond to interview questions.
A highly dedicated, stable and accomplished individual (you can also say professional) with exceptional organizational and managerial skills. Have gained extensive knowledge in (fill in your specialty here) and have earned recognition for consistently improving (insert what here – don’t be shy) for every company affiliated with.
Excellent interpersonal skills result in the ability to build rapport with all levels of management, peers and associates. Able to maintain consistently high levels of business performance improvements through employee training and motivation. A demonstrated talent for adapting to and handling many diverse challenges while keeping long term objectives in mind.
Team player, with an outstanding track record of accomplishments. Knows how to consistently product winning and profitable (can also use cost savings) solutions for all parties. A CAN-DO professional that will make positive things happen for your organization.
Fired? 10 Things You Need To Do Now
Bitten by the shark? Canned, terminated, outsized, downsized, outsourced, replaced, let go, off shored – fired? Now what? When you get your next job remember my #1 rule – the day you start looking for a new job is the second day you’re in your new one.
I’ve been where you are now, so let’s get started.
1. go to unemployment and apply for benefits immediately.
2. whatever time you got up for work today, do the same every day until you find your next position.
3. being unemployed is like being in quicksand – the longer you’re “in it” the harder it’s going to take to get out.
4. get comfortable real fast learning how to sell yourself.
5. forget drinking or eating because you’re angry or depressed. No drugs. Stuff your face if you must with carrots, apples and celery.
6. look at yourself in the mirror – would you hire you? – it better be a yes or you need to change your appearance now.
7. don’t go to any movies about the end of the earth or watch endless negative news or programming.
8. finding a job is a job – get over yourself – working part-time to keep yourself sane is a good idea.
9. get a resume written fast and get very “fluent” in every social media platform.
10. don’t believe everything you think – very important advise from Wayne Dyer, Ph.D.
As a former CEO of an outplacement and career counseling firm, I most certainly have many more suggestions for you. If you’re interested just follow me on Twitter at @mjgru. Good luck.
Divorce – Why Now?
Long ago and far away – I believe some other writer used that line – God or whomever you think made people – gave us one lifetime to live. For thousands of years, if you’ve followed history, it looks as though “man” messed a lot of things up. All the religious strife, war, political upheavals, disease, famine and what was a lot of unhappiness, misery, depression and ill will toward each other seemed to prevail. Forget the reasons, it doesn’t really matter. Blame whomever you want if it makes you feel any better.
So, long ago and far away, we all had one life to live. We did the best we could with it. You chose a life partner or were “assigned” one by your parents or elders or whatever they were called back then, moved into something made of rock, stone, mud and wood and try to put a positive swing on the whole affair. The man farmed, used a spear or rifle to hunt for food and the women had the kids and cooked. We’re told that as time moved forward we “progressed” and our lives became easier. Well, not really.
I want you to consider this. Where we once had a lifetime, we now have TWO – maybe even three. And if you believe that as I, of course, do, then, you know by looking around that people live longer than they ever have and that in the future, more of us could live even longer – maybe into the 100’s. So let’s go back to some period like the Renaissance – the Middle Ages – Michelangelo. The average life expectancy then was 35. 35-50% never reached the age of 16. Think about that. You have until 35, if you’re lucky, to “have” a life. Hard to grasp that, right? Yes it is. That was a lifetime to them, but certainly not to us.
2012, social media, an ever “open” society, transparency, change – a technological revolution. We want and demand more. We all have more options than ever. And, we have two lifetimes to do it in. Are we all overjoyed with this paradigm shift of choice and options? No. The life partner with whom you agreed to “forever” with – that relationship – that contract you entered into is, for lack of a better term, old – tedious. Some think of it as toxic. The both of you are being barraged by “other” choices 24/7/365 via the internet, television – other people and friends. Women, in particular, have been “supercharged” – empowered – to more than ever before in history go out into the world and make a difference with themselves and others. Concurrently, men’s role have dramatically changed and the definition of what it is to be a man has yet to be solidified.
So, you get married at 25. Have children. Cultivate your careers. It’s been fun, but do “we” really need each other any more? It’s not like it “was”. I’m bored. I’ve grown as a person. Perhaps you’ve never lived alone before. You’re wondering what it would be like. Maybe you want to relocate into the city and your partner doesn’t. Do you earn twice as much as your husband now and you don’t want to make decisions together anymore? Tired of him being a curmudgeon? Had enough of sports or her crafts occupying the entire garage? The list of reasons for splitting up are endless.
The difference is now you can do something about it. There is no more “stigma” of divorce. For many, religion has taken a back seat in our lives or isn’t even a factor in our life decisions. You’re 40, 50 or 60 and now you’ve got another lifetime in front of you. Do you really want to move on with the same person? Has your first life with this partner been that satisfying? The kids are older, maybe there are drugs, alcohol or other debilitating diseases involved. Sadly there might be abuse or was there infidelity? You want to make you #1 now. You want a new life without the confines marriage. You want “better” and “more” sex.
I got the “S” word in there finally, didn’t I? I like asking my readers questions, so, why has it been the “accepted” practice seemingly forever to be forced into having sex with just one person from the time you say “I do” until you die? Many find that entire premise absurd. No, I do not think someone while in a marriage should have sex “outside” of the partnership. I’m traditional that way. But, we’re human, and we have desires, urges that don’t end when you get married or when you’re 35, 45 or 60 or 70. You’ve found someone else or you want to search for someone else to have sex with, because, no surprise, having sex with same person year after year after year is, well, honestly, not really “natural”.
I said the reasons for divorce are endless. The reasons for staying together have been and continue to lose their validity and value. People want to be happy and that no longer means staying married. The institution itself reminds me of gas stations – I was going to say Blockbuster first. They’re still around, we surely make of use them, but rapidly in the near future, most of them will disappear and new entities will appear. Marriage remains a tradition, but divorce rates soar and will stay that way, as “we” seek other alternatives, including shorter legal marriage contracts to mirror our now more than one lifetime.
Marriage – A Renewable Contract
One of Americans greatest failures is their ability to change. Tradition is good, but not when it interferes with the growth of an individual’s freedom or happiness. The falling back on what once was easy, safe and comfortable does not mean – and the facts prove my point – that it will continue to be a viable process. This is not an argument over religion, the Bible, same-sex marriage or civil unions. It is the harsh reality that marriage no longer should be a lifetime contract.
You meet someone, fall in love, you get married, maybe have children, they have grandchildren, you retire, live happily ever after, travel, then die. As one comedian used to say, “Isn’t that special”. But we all know that is the exception rather than the rule. When folks first started getting married, they lived until they were 35, maybe 40. If you were really lucky you could possibly have made it to 50. You probably got together much earlier than we do now – in the Jewish religion you could become a man at 13. Let’s say you delayed the enviable and got married at age 16, avoided all the social upheavals , religious wars and numerous plagues, famines and diseases and passed away at 42. You were married, hopefully happily, 26 years.
In comes the 1950’s. That’s when many traditions began to fall apart. Men and women began to realize that their parents and their grandparents were living in a much different world. Females were assuming a role in society that had been put down by men for thousands of years. Men finally were forced to come clean and admit that their mental and physical superiority to women was utterly false. Sex was becoming more “open” and all Americans were coming out of the shell that kept them in a kind of bondage preventing them from being “more” whole as human beings.
Divorce equaled the marriage rate. The traditional “family” was turned upside down. Women delayed having children making their mark in business. Men were not working in steel mills, mines or in manufacturing anymore and struggle to determine where they were needed most. Advances in health care and medicine have extended our lives until 70 years and more. Economically, the majority of Americans have been put into an ever tightening vise trying to achieve the American dream of success.
People are not more miserable than ever, but do have the options more so now than at any other time in history to do something about it. Only a small minority of Americans have any restrictions on them to live as they please. Religious barriers to divorce are meaningless in the face of a nuns protesting their freedoms, priests being charged and convicted of sex crimes, and followers disagreeing with many of the basic tenants of the Church. Obtaining a “simple” uncontested divorce is as easy in just about every State as it used to be to fly to Reno or Mexico to end a relationship.
The notion of getting and remaining within the legal contract of marriage for life should end. It should be a “renewable contract” let’s say every 10 years. The amount of pressure that would take off people would be enormous. The resulting happiness would renew the entire marriage process. The divorce rate would decrease, taking an unnecessary burden off our legal system. Can you just imagine the positive psychological impact of being able to be married for just 10 years? The lessening of all the arguing, depression, financial angst and involvement of lawyers, judges and mediators.
That would put marriage more in line with the rest of our lives. In the past, someone would be employed at one or two jobs over the course of their career then retire. People are now very typically changing jobs every 2-5 years. It is conceivable that a person, who might retire at age 70, would have not just multiple jobs but multiple careers. Like the of women in the 50’s, the entire notion of careers, retirement and marriage has been turned upside down. Marriage has not kept pace with the times. Men now remain at home without shame and take care of their children. Many men and women work from home. We have entered into and are in the process of a new lifestyle revolution, nothing of which includes a “lifetime” of anything.
I said at the outset of this piece that Americans are resistance to change. That is especially true for marriage. There is nothing to fear. It’s OK for us to admit that the institution has ended and it’s time to move on to a new and better “renewable” system. Families and children will, as they have for decades, learn to adjust and adapt. Religion does not require marriage to exist. And, surprise, surprise – without everyone’s consent the shift away from “traditional” lifetime marriage has already started. “We” just haven’t given it our stamp of approval yet. But just as we now stand on line for $4 coffee, drink “vitamin” water out of designer plastic bottles, seek guidance and advise from our cell phones and buy automobiles that operate on batteries, so to will Americans both seek more and bless changes in the marriage contract. Better late than never.
Our Pathetic Health Care System – A Solution
I don’t think there is any question that the selection of Paul Ryan by Mitt Romney as his VP running mate has finally opened the doors to a “real” debate on health care issues. The national healthcare “system” in this country is a failure in terms of both cost and availability. Solutions have been brushed under the rug for too long and America has clearly lacked the leadership and courage to effectively deal with the problem. Maybe, just maybe, as this new national debate over Medicare expands, as the next Presidential election gets closer, we will presented with some doable solutions.
The primary flaw in our current process is the intertwining of our jobs and health insurance. Job #1 would be to eliminate employers out of the health care insurance equation. The cost and selection of health insurance should be solely the responsibility of the individual, not his or her boss or the government. The role of the government should be to ensure that the health insurance industry provides the most competitive services and prices to the public as possible. Should that fail to be the case, the industry must be regulated by government to do so.
The campaign promise that “everyone” should have the same “Cadillac” healthcare coverage as Congress, should serve as the benchmark. If that is Medicare, then that should be the foundation. That “plan” should then be sold to the public by a variety of private providers so that it could be purchased by everyone. There should be no mandated requirement to purchase such a plan. There would be no vouchers, coupons, certificates or exchanges associated with such a program. Medicare, for those 50 and over should go unchanged. Those that can financially do so should opt out of receiving benefits. For those between 18-50, healthcare insurance would be purchased as one would life or car insurance.
There is the ever present cloud of the people who cannot afford health coverage. That was what Medicaid was designed for. With ever more guidelines to reduce fraud, this system should continue, however, be redesigned to offer not only better care to patients, but a significantly improved payment system to providers. The objection to this has always been cost – how and why should “we” pay for this. The answer is both economics and ethics based. As our economy “stabilizes” or “normalizes” – as unemployment is reduced and Americans insist on a balanced Federal budget, the funding requirement for Medicaid should decrease and the impact lessened on taxpayers. Ethically, is all our responsibility to take care of every American that needs medical care.
What the American people must demand is simplicity. Obama care is not, nor ever will be simple. It was a worthy move forward, but rushed “disjointed” into law. It is both not enough and too much. It was never “sold” or explained properly, even to this day the majority of Americans do not understand it. The so-called “Ryan” plans for healthcare is also flawed. But clearer and smarter heads needs to prevail here. Too many Americans are being hurt by the delay. Call it my own ignorance, but this must be above politics. A better “system” can be achieved now, not in 2014. It should be the national goal.
The American Dream – A National Depression
What has happened to the American dream? I’m reading an excellent book called “Snowball – Warren Buffet and the Business of Life” by Alice Schroeder. When Buffett completed school, “possibly the most prestigious corporate job in the United States was working for *US Steel. Almost every young businessman saw the route to success as working his way up the ladder in a great industrial corporation.”
Nobel Prize winner in Economics, Joseph Stiglitz in his book “The Price of Inequality” talks about “America’s 1 Percent Problem”. “America has been growing apart, at an increasingly rapid rate. The top 1 percent seized more than 65 percent of the gain in total national income. While the top 1 percent was doing fantastically, most Americans were actually growing worse off.”.
In the American “dream” dead? I think not. I believe “we” are suffering from a great deal more than just a long term economic downturn – we are being held hostage by a serious national depression. Yes, we have damaging economic policies that must be changed, but a lot of where we are is squarely “in” our heads. There is a giant elephant sitting on our back. America does not do “stuck” well. We feel beat up and betrayed. We’ve had the wind knocked out of us. We’re in a kind of mass hypnotic state of self-sabotage fueled by negativity and fear. There is a solution and it’s not complicated.
We’ve heard the term Paradigm Shift – a change from one way of thinking to another, a revolution, a transformation a sort of metamorphosis. I’ve personally experienced such a phenomenon. I was on the PATH train that goes from Jersey City into the World Trade Center. This was years before 9/11. The mood of the country was very much like it is now, perhaps worse. Americans were being held hostage by Iran and we tried and miserably failed to rescue them.
There is little difference between then and now. We need to find that light switch. We need to find a Roosevelt, Knute Rockne, John Wooden, Patton or Norman Schwarzkopf to get us all believing that there still is an American dream. I’m an independent – right now I don’t see ANY of what I’m suggesting in any of the candidates or the two parties. It is sad we don’t more choices. Our candidates are debating the lies and content of their campaign commercials, not serious issues. It will take someone like a Chris Christie, with whom I’m not allied politically, but who seems to possess the courage, backbone and fortitude to move this country in the direction we need.
But, as we all decide, never let anyone tell you the American dream is gone. The 1% will always have their wealth. It is the job of the 99% with their entrepreneurial spirit, talent and creativity to turn the country around and get it back on track. I sincerely hope “we” all choose wisely.
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* The American steel industry has been in decline for decades. A victim of intense global competition, greedy unions and advanced technology, steel, along with so many other manufacturing operations (and jobs) was relocated overseas, more likely to be found in Mexico, Korea or India rather than Michigan, Indiana or Pennsylvania. Millions of jobs, both blue and white collar, have permanently disappeared. What remains in the dust of what once was the mighty and influential American industrial machine is now a diverse offering of service, health and tech related business.