Monthly Archives: May 2012
Let’s get right to it. I didn’t like the Dream. I was on board for a week and felt it was too large a vessel for me. I’m more of a Legend guy. For those that are experienced Carnival customers, you know what Serenity is, and it is anything but on the Dream. I want my own adult pool for Serenity, on one level, accessible by elevator or escalator with an armed guard to prevent any children or teenagers from entering the area. Well, maybe not the armed guard, but certainly Serenity must be far enough away from a pool, area or hot tub where you can hear any little monsters screaming and doing cannon balls. I blame it all on Joe Farcus, who Carnival should have replaced long ago as their chief designer. One man should have never been commissioned to design so many cruise vessels.
I stood in front of the elevators on the last night of “our” Dream cruise and still had no idea where most things were. I felt I had to make too many connections and transfers to get from one place to another. There certainly needs to be more signs. Much of it has to do with my arch enemy – the stairs. Carnival in all honesty does not handle passengers with stair problems very smartly. What you get is the elevator “stare”. That’s when a crew member just looks at you when you ask where the elevator is. It’s happened on every Carnival cruise I’ve been on. “Excuse me, I have trouble with the stairs, every elevator has a X over it, where is the nearest available elevator?” Stare. It’s like getting an error message on your computer screen when you know you did nothing wrong.
The stare is then accompanied by a look-see/glance-down of your legs to determine if you’re as crippled as Bob Krachett’s little son, Tiny Tim. What nonsense. Here’s where you wonder about Carnival’s training of their crew. In all fairness, Royal Caribbean has a similar problem. You’ve got to know your passengers. The proper response should be: “No problem sir, your nearest available elevator is – insert easy to follow directions here”. Future cruise ships should have no stairs, just elevators and escalators. To get to Serenity or your dining room on the Dream should not involve two elevator transfers, then having to walk up or down more stairs. There is a “secret” mini elevator to Serenity if you walk through the Spa, but why hide it? This is a good time to mention, that along with some other health issues, I have had double knee replacement surgery. So, to hell with stairs, anywhere.
Personally, my wife and I are 50+ and have been married 30+ years. She is a teacher, I am a writer. I used to be a trucker. Our biggest problem when traveling is mobility. Walking long distances – I mentioned the stairs problem – is just not our thing. I’m far too vain to use a cane or worse drive around in one of those annoying little red scooters that are always running out of battery power and beeping like a warehouse forklift in constant reverse. I have to admit that little step into the ship’s bathroom, for us, up and down day after day does result in some pretty sore ankles – could there not better design? Carnival management needs to open their eyes as to how difficult their ships are for passengers who want to go from one place to another without pain. We’re on a cruise ship, not a naval vessel on maneuvers.
Friends and neighbors, I like Greg Gutfeld . I’m not quite sure why, but I do. I’m also convinced that if someone threw the right amount of money at him, he would instantly transform himself into whatever you desired – a Democrat, a country singer or magazine editor. He is, most definitely, a fair-weather Conservative.
He is one of those men that other men ask themselves, how in the hell did this guy find his way out of a dorm room? If there is anyone on cable television that would fit perfectly in the role of court jester back in merry ole England, this guy is it. Fast forward to modern day and apparently he seems to be Roger Ailes joker.
On FOX very late night, he “hosts” a “show” called "Red Eye". He appears as Joe Franklin’s evil little nephew. Look it up. He claims to be married, but to many straight men, he blips on their gay-dar. I don’t care about his sexual preference, but his on air costume includes cheap boys department tweed jackets, baby blue lace up sneakers and beige Haband leisure trousers. Sadly, his father never taught him how to put properly put on a tie. Every on air “appearance” looks like his aunt has forced him to dress for Sunday school.
So, it’s late at night and you’re up for whatever reason and you’re trying to find something – anything – to look at on 350 channels of broadcast garbage. There is nothing to order on QVC or HSN and the few free movie channels are repeating crap. You despise moronic truckers driving on ice or crack head crab Alaskan fisherman pushing the limits of OSHA rules. Any real news can still only be found on "The New York Times" online. Rachel Maddow is asleep and CNN or MSNBC are swirling the drain of irrelevancy with updates about Syria and malaria in Haiti. FOX, not the entertainment side, the news “division”, is always good for a laugh, and so you come upon Red Eye.
I have to repeat myself, I like Gutfeld. He has a high enough quirky factor and, unlike Eric Bolling, who wears women’s underwear and is an angry, somewhat (speaking of irrelevant) pathetic human being, makes me smile when he talks. He is honestly quite clever in a sort of SNL – Vanity Fair way, which is where he probably belongs. But, who would be on call to give Ailes a cheap laugh (BJ?) all at the same time. Roger modeling himself after J. Edgar and Greg thinking, anytime during sex, of Bill Clinton?
I have watched Red Eye – no – I have fast forwarded – through Red Eye three times. It was always painful. Red Eye is the noodling of entertainment news analysis. Did I say it was painful? Oh yeah. Gutfeld stands up on the side of a discarded TGI Friday’s bar table presiding over typically about four or five other fellow jesters – on what else – bar stools. Soon after the opening few words of Gutfeld as Veruca Salt, all reality of what should be FOX News disappears, along with any entertainment value, unless, of course, if you are high. Drunk won’t cut it, you need to smoke or snort something to cope with what comes next.
A dude named Andy Levy, with a far better spray on tan than Gutfeld, does the “Pregame Report.” This “segment” is pathetic. This is sheer wannabe Comedy Channel quasi political shtick – broadcasting burlesque. Red Eye then “focuses” in on the panel. Tonight was Dan Bova, the very strange looking editor of Maxim Magazine, Tony Cumia from the Howard Stern satellite radio farm team, Bill Shultz who appears to be on some sort of family release from Bellevue and the on-call book end skirt, Kayleigh McEnany.
Somewhere between Washington, DC and New York, FOX News has a warehouse of human pods, all numbered. #38 is McEnany, #16 is Andrea Tantaros, #24 is Kimberly Guilfoyle – you get the idea. When FOX producers need a leggy female, most of whom have been screwed by some Democrat somehow – which is why they’re Conservatives - to serve as a bookend on one of the many FOX News shows 24/7, they press the number of the next pod in line and that female is dispatched by limo to the set.
The other night I watched, #24 Kim Giulfoyle was the Red Eye table end skirt. Kim, all dolled up as usual as a Vegas call girl, with those huge fake eyelashes, support hose, a law degree and ridiculously high heels on, was either falling asleep or saying to herself, when can I get off this Titanic – this horrible political un-comedy farce. #38, McEnany is a cute girl, but otherwise useless as an entertainer or talking head. I feel sorry for these women, but as Roger wants, you must do, even if it’s sit there at 3am when you’d rather been home in your jammies with your cat.
Perhaps this is experimental television, some NYU live internet class. At some point in his early life, Gutfeld must have made a pact with the Devil. He was given the path to success if and only if he chose one of three directions The first was to go Christian. He declined. Second was to go country – part of that “if I was a redneck” comedy tour. He would get a mini-mansion in Branson and his CD sold at Wal-Mart. He said no. The third and last option was to be a right wing Conservative clown. He “ain’t” no libertarian. You will be a Republican clown and do a show called Red Neck, sorry, Red Eye. He accepted. Listen, the show is terrible, just don’t waste your time or your DVR with it. Gutfeld himself is talented, and he’s getting a nice payday from this gig and appearing on The Five, but better things are in his future. Hopefully soon, for everyone’s sake.